Men of Teal

Thursday, December 31, 2009


Ok, it has come to my attention that some cultures have interesting traditions when it comes to celebrating the New Year. Puerto Ricans eat grapes and throw out water. Southern Alabamians (or is it Alabamites?) eat black eyed peas. Well Canadians, we beat up the USA in Hockey. Today at 10:45 we won in a shoot out over America. We (my fellow Canucks) were down 4-2 with 5 minutes left in the game, and because of our breeding scored two quick goals to send the game into overtime. Since we felt bad breaking the Yankees spirits we decided to give them an extra 5 minutes of 4-4 hockey to see if they could still win. That however proved detrimental to their legs, and only further lead to a shoot out where my boy Kadri sealed the deal!!!

In about an hour we will be celebrating the start of 2010, and the chance for a fresh start. While I got mine in July with the move to Florida, I am excited with what 2010 is going to bring!

Tomorrow is also the Gator Bowl down here in Jacksonville, and I wish the Mountaineers of West Virgina the best of luck (I am a sucker for the Big East). I do however with Bobby Bowden nothing but the best. Also be sure to flip to NBC during commercials as they will be showing the Winter Classic between the Bruins and Flyers outside from Fenway Park. Reminds me of those old shinny days( that is Canadian for pond hockey).

Have a happy new year everyone, and be safe!

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Band of Brothers...

Well my brother has come down to visit for the next week, and I have really forgotten how much him and I have fun. Growing up we were very close, from building forts, playing sports, riding bikes down massive hills, video games, to just being bad, we did everything together. As we got older and as our likes and dislikes started to form, we began to grow apart. But last night was just like old times. We played video games, talked about girls, laughed at South Park and the Hangover. Friends are great, but a little brother is really irreplaceable. Sorry ladies, he is taken. And now that he is 21......

p.s. Canada beat Slovakia 8-2....NEXT UP IS AMERICA ON THURSDAY!!!!

Monday, December 28, 2009

Top 5.....

Stealing the "High Fidelity" idea of the top five whatevers, I think I will start making it a Monday habit of coming up with my top five somethings of all time. Since I am still feeling festive, I'll knock out my top 5 Christmas presents of all time....

5. Acoustic Guitar

4. Video IPOD

3. XBOX 360.

2. Michelangelo mutating Ninja Turtle (after we returned the RALPH one)

And my favorite gift ever....

1. Toronto Maple Leaf Jersey

Sunday, December 27, 2009


Now I know many of you hate hockey and don't follow it what so ever, and I must admit, since I moved here, I barely follow it either (except the leafs who consistently break my heart). Anyways, with the Olympics coming up in Vancouver(holla) in February, many of you probably don't know we are getting a miniature preview from the Jr. circuit. I am not quite sure how this works, as many of these kids have signed pro contracts already, but regardless they are still considered amateurs. Last night Canada smacked Latvia 16-0. It looked like a high school team playing an NHL team. While the utter domination was very much enjoyed on this end, I couldn't help but feel sad for the Latvians (if that is what they are called). For some STUPID reason, the tie breaker to move on the next round if need be will be determined by the NUMBER of goals a team scores in the tournament, thus encouraging teams to run up the score and EMBARRASS the other team. As a baseball guy, this is considered bush league. Regardless, the games are televised on NHL Network, and really are fun to watch. It is a nice change from the overpaid, pre Madonna athletes of today. Keep an eye on Nazeem Kadri of team Canada. He is a Maple Leaf, the first Muslim in the NHL and of Lebanese decent. But while he may have terrorist for siblings, he is a leaf and I love him. The juniors are hockey at is purest form, complete with face masks and neck guards.

(BTW Canada has won the last 6 Jr events, and plays the USA on Thursday night..pictured in the middle is former Jr. star Sidney Crosby from 2005)

Saturday, December 26, 2009

I believe...

Since Crash Davis already once nailed this...I'll give it my shot...

I believe in the inside fastball, the pocket passer, that you can open one present Christmas Eve. I believe in acoustic music, a good laugh, that good friends are hard to find. I believe in being early, dressing for success, and going with your first answer. I believe in hoodies and sweatpants, skirts, and brown should be allowed to go with black. I believe dogs are better than cats, in musicians who write and play their own music, and that nice guys finish last. I believe in the sweat spot, hitting the last cup, and that opening day should be a national Holiday. I believe in the salary cap, a sunny day, that Forrest Gump is a better movie than book. I believe in all things Dutch and Canadian, that peanut better tastes better with jelly, and that sometimes you need to be completely lost to find yourself. I believe in Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior, that my parents really do know best, and that sometimes I just have to find out the hard way. I believe driving with the windows down, first kisses, that you should just be yourself. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment out-lawying astro-turf, the small of a woman's back, second chances, and that it is ok to have Mariah on your IPOD. I believe that Ice cream goes with everything, in traditions, and that you cannot date a girl who doesn't eat hot dogs. I believe guys can wear pink, in opening doors for women, and that one should always offer to get the dishes. I believe in a good debate, that the guy pays, in hour long phone conversations. I believe in love at first sight, fitted hats, cuff links, that family is the most important gift ever. I believe it's ok to watch the occasional chick flick, going new places, and that the real world is overrated. I believe people get married to early, that some girls try to hard, and that there is no substitute for a good video game. I believe in taking your time, turning off the lights when you leave, and that dogs really are man's best friend....

Friday, December 25, 2009

So This is Christmas...

Christmas really is the best time of the year. Between the lights, the music, the presents, the Christmas Eve services, the time with freinds and family, it really is a speical time. Total strangers are nice. Everything just seems so peaceful.

And while we get older, it is funny how Christmas really does not change. While we may no longer be the excited children waking up at 4 am to open presents, it is kind of fun being in a differnt role. And after present time there is the constant Kobe vs. Shaq match-up. While I sit here with my puppy watching the NBA games, it is kinda bitter sweat this year. No snow. No family. No tree. That will be happening monday.

But I still had a very Merry Christmas, got to watch movies last night and hang out with freinds. I recieved a good 25 mass text messages (a negative), and of course got the 6:50 am phone call from my parents.

So while things change, and I have rain instead of snow, it is still the best day of the year, and I wish everyone a very merry Christmas!

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Always the Groomsmen...

Recently I was asked to advise a former teammate on his relationship and how to propose to his girlfriend. And since Hot Air Balloons, at a sports event (see idiot above), at another wedding or in a group setting are all over done and LAME, I figured I could help. Also this has been the 5th time I have had to do this, I figure I would use the power of the written word clear this one up once and for all my dating fellas.

First. Make sure you get the blessing from the father. I know it is old school, but it shows confidence, commitment and balls. And wouldn't you want a young whipper snapper asking you for your daughter? Duh.

Second. The date does not have to be important. By this I mean DO NOT pick Christmas, HER BIRTHDAY, New Year's Eve, or VALENTINES DAY. While your anniversary may be sweet, it is also a no no as it is too predictable! The best thing about a proposal is she has to have NO CLUE it is happening. Acceptable dates, the first time you saw her (do some math), the first day you kissed (drunk or sober, hopefully sober), the day the Blue Jays win the World Series.

Third. The ring. Ughh, this is the worst part. She wants a huge rock, you want to give her one, but do woman REALLY realize how much they cost? (I know the answer is yes, you guys are all Gold Diggers). While I understand it means a lot, it should not bankrupt a young relationship. I always have believed if she is the one, it won't even matter. But even still, read up on the 4 C's (copy and paste into google).

Fourth. The set up. Like I said earlier, it is KEY that this remains a secret. Now as hard as it will be to keep this contained, BE VERY CAREFUL WHO YOU TELL. This means, DO NOT TELL ANY FEMALE. You can tell your boys, they won't say a word, and they MAY try to talk you out of it (listen to them)!!!

Fifth. The presentation. This is where it takes a little planning, thought, timing, and preparation. If she is going to cook, clean, have your children, put up with your crap, allow you to play video games, allow you to watch the big game, allow you to go out with your friends, allow you to live, (girls, this is all we ask for...well there is one more thing..) SHE IS WORTH AT LEAST THIS MUCH. This means, ASKING HER AT A ROMANTIC DINNER IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH. She has been waiting her whole life for this, do it right man (its brownie points).

So now you're asking me for are a few, followed by what to say..

Idea #1. Be romantic, use the first place you met her as the location. This could be anywhere from the cafe, work, church lobby, bar, whatever. Now, work it out SOMEHOW TO be able to access this ALONE! Call the minister, the security guards, whoever has access (what person is not going to allow you access for a PROPOSAL DUH!). Decorate it in advance, candles, rose pedals, whatever. Now since the place will obviously be weird to be entering at a bizarre time, this is where it is ok to lie. Tell her you guys are going out to a concert, a ball game, and that you need to stop by this place to meet (insert name here) to get the tickets. Perfect.

Idea #2. Romantic location. But do it one better. Blind fold her, and give her no idea where you are going. A look out point would be perfect in this case, time it with a sunrise or sunset. Carry her to the location (hopefully she is not to heavy), and stand behind her when you take off the blindfold.

Idea #3. Post it notes. Clean her WHOLE apartment. Get candles, rose pedals, and set it up as before hand. Leave a post it note on her door, explain her that she needs to put everything down, and follow all post it notes. (you can hide in the closet or wherever). First have her walk inside to a press a IPOD or song on a cd player (it is ok guys, we all have songs with our woman, its not homo to admit it). Make her press play so yalls song is in the background (loud enough for you to know she's here) Make her walk around a bunch of times following your notes, you can say sweet little nothings on each one, and a direction where to go next. Wrap the ring in a present and have her find it somewhere, and make her carry it. Direct her to where your hiding, kiss her and let her unwrap it.

Ok that was 3 quick ideas. Now what to say. For idea number one, count down the years, days, and minutes that it has been since you first met her (remember February has 28 days). MEMORIZE THIS. Tell her "it has been blah years, blah blah blah days, blah blah blah minutes, and blah blah blah seconds since I first saw your smile, and I cannot imagine living another second without you."

Idea 2. Hold the ring in front of her face. Make her hold the box. Tell her "from this view, I see 3 (the view, the ring, and her) of the most beautiful things in the world, and if I diamond means forever, than I want forever with you."

Idea 3. When she finds you and has unwrapped the ring say, "it has taken you these post it notes to find this moment, all the signs of my whole life lead me to you."

In all such instances get on a knee and ask the unlucky girl to marry you.
Alright guys, thank me later.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

More MoJo Please

Maurice Jones-Drew, aka, Pocket Hercules, your my new favorite player. There is something about that little guy with the big heart that you just can't help but love. Maybe I would love Dustin Pedroia if he wasn't a Red Sox. But MJD, the way you play, there is nothing short about this little man's game. I know I should have drafted you in my fantasy league this year, and I apologize for passing on you. But consider it inspiration, like the 32 teams that passed on you in the draft. And you wear 32. And so did I, and Roy Halladay. And you are going off tonight against the Colts. I hope the Jags stay in Jax because my man crush is only getting stronger. Well if they do move, Toronto could use you. So I just want to say thank you Maurice, you have given me something to cheer for this year. Playoffs and MVP for MOJO. I hear yea brother!

p.s. This first half is AWESOME. Even Garrard is making plays, still fumbling though. Manning 12 for 12, CAN SOMEONE STOP THIS GUY?

21-17 Colts at half. Lets go JAGS!

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Heartbreaker, Garrard choked bad. Figures. Tank nation 2009.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

All Good Things....

Well, it is official, my favourite player ever has been traded. The hate and denial period have both been solidified, so now it is time for the next stage of healing, reflection.

Am I ever going to miss watching Roy Halladay take the ball every 5th day. I remember seeing him as a young 19 year old kid pitching for AAA Syracuse, and later as a perennial All star silencing the Bronx cheers in the House that Ruth Built. Some of my best memories have come at the expense of his right arm. Entire schedules were built around his starts. Posters on my college dorms, a jersey for my back, heck even my dog is named after him.

So I just want to say thanks Roy, its been swell. While I will never understand why you wanted to leave, I wish you the best in your pursuit of a ring. You deserve it. I am also thankful you did not end up on the Yankees.

There is something to be said about a team's ace. And when it comes to number one starters, America is going to find out what I have known for over 10 years, that Roy Halladay is the best in the business.

So while it has been said that everything that ends, ends badly, I will try to remember the good times. The one hit shutout in the Bronx, the beat down of Aj Burnett and his return to Toronto, and your near no hitter in your first game. I will remember my high school trip with Eric, Jeff and Matt, as we battled SARS to watch you dominate Mike Mussina and the Yankees (i see a pattern here). You were the epitome of a pro athlete, the best fantasy player ever,a consummate hard worker, and a role model for all pitchers. I think ill name my children Leroy Halladay Marshall in your honor (that may or may not be a joke).

And while I now have watch you in red pinstripes instead of the blue, I will try to remember the good, and when I call my dog ill be reminded of you, and smile.

p.s. No homo. Doc Halladay is the man, George Bush said so.

Ode to Online Shopping

Tis the season again, and yes sliced bread is actually the best thing since online shopping. I mean from the comfort of your own living room, bedroom or office, you can purchase EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING you could possibly dream of getting. No lines, no parking, no hassle, no listening to teenagers texting, no embarrassment of having your credit card declined, and you don't have to go INTO Victoria's Secret to get the wifey something nice. Better yet however is the fact that many times it is even cheaper!!!!

Although, it has come to my awareness by an esteemed colleague of mine, that there is one serious glitch. Now while I appreciate the convenience and safety that many of these sites take in protecting my information and identity, HOW DO THEY EXPECT ME TO REMEMBER THE PASSWORD I CREATED FOR EBAY AS A 7th GRADER!!! I mean it is a disaster. And since work blocks the email address i cannot remember anyways, I have to go through the entire process again. UGH.

But since online shopping isn't Tim Teabow, I guess we just have to make do. And if you need gift ideas, read below!

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Game Day!!!!

Back in the day when I played sports competitively, I remember there was no better feeling than waking up on the day of a game. As any athlete will tell you, often we had our own strange routines. A certain kind of breakfast, or not eating at all. The way we dressed, the way we handled ourselves during the day. Then there was the team pride and bonding of dressing up or wearing your jersey. All day was a preparation for the big game. For some reason it was always easier to wake up on those days.

Now that the careers of myself and most of my friends have come to an end, what do we have to look forward to now? Certainly work does not offer the same thrill. Special occasions such as Holidays or Weddings are just too seldom. What do we have to look forward to?

I think I found the answer, and it has come with football. See I am not really a fan of football. While I enjoyed playing it in high school and for fun, something about over juiced up players running around intending on injuring each other just doesn't seem enjoyable to me. Blame that on my baseball purist roots.

Regardless, football (college or pro, i prefer pro) can be our escape. No wonder it is so appealing. Every Saturday or Sunday you can prepare like you did in the good ole days. You wake up, and put coffee on the pot. You eat breakfast, you hope in the shower, you get dressed.

You put on your teams jersey and you can wear it with pride. You get in touch with your buddies, you have a few beverages and you watch. All the rituals and preparations are still there, they have just changed, and your viewing as a fan.

But it is your team, and you do have an impact on their season. You will build your own rituals and superstitions. Like who is allowed to watch and who isn't based on team records. What drinks, where each of you sit on the couch, all of this can be fun little ways to feel like your a part of the action.

Today I am going to my second ever pro game, (Dolphins are coming into town) my first was a blast. It is not even 7 am yet and I am up and excited, a true testament to the power of Game Day.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

My Dog Just Learns the Hardway

So recently my puppy was sick. The reason? He ate dirt. Maybe there were some roots or sticks in there too, or a whole colony of field mice, but what really got him was the dirt. And the best thing on throwing up dirt is, it doesn't stink! The only time in my life I did not mind cleaning up throw up at 7:30 in the morning before work!

But because he ate a elephants portion of dirt, he had an even greater adventure with dirt. It came out the other end. 3 times. And it looked like charcoal. Dirt poop. Best thing about dirt poop? You don't have to clean it up! It is dirt ha ha! So i just left it in the mulch near my apartment.

The good Doc is feeling better now, and back to eating me out of house and home, but he never ceases to amaze me.

There is no crying in sports...

I know this is a little old, but it still needs to be addressed. Yes, Tom Hanks was right, there is NO CRYING IN BASEBALL. And that goes for all sports. I played, and I know how hard it is to lose a big game, or to watch your career come to an end, but you NEVER cry on the field. It shows weakness, and what may be even worse, disrespect to the other team.

So December 12:5 will now forever go down as the day Teabow Wept. I am sorry Timmy boy, but you just ruined your legacy. Maybe you need to get a League of Their Own for Christmas. Or invent the time machine.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Baby its Cold Outside Remix

I really can't stay
(but baby it's cold outside)
I've got to go away
(but baby it's cold outside)

This evening has been
(so hot n, so hot in here)
So very nice
(Look at how I’m chillin im killin this ice)
My mother will start worry
(Mother aint raised no fool)
My father will be pacing the floor
(To the window, to the wall)
So really i'd better scurry
(I aint never scurrd)
but maybe just a half a drink more
(sippin on gin and juice, laaaaid back)
the neighbors might faint
(Or they can degrate, or even worse, they can teach hate)
say what's in this drink
(Crunk Juice)
i wish i knew how
(Whats Luv got to do with it)
to break this spell
(I sell ice in the winter, fire in hell)
i ought to say "no, no, no sir"
(mo money mo problems)
at least i'm gonna say that i tried
(keepin it real, packin steel, getting high)
i really can't stay
(Tell your friends like Frito’s I’m tryin too lay)

baby it's cold out side

i simply must go
(Go Go Go Go Go Shorty its yo birthday)
the answer is no
(Can i get a what what)
your welcome has been
(I like it when you call me Big Poppa)
so nice and warm
(You remind me of a chick that I once knew)
my sister will be suspicious
(Might as well gimme a kiss if we keep touchin like this)
my brother will be there at the door
(Im from the school of the hard knocks)
my maiden aunts mind is vicious
(one thing lead to another let the party begin)
but maybe just a cigarette more
(you know whats on my mind shirts off panties droppin)
i've gotta get home
(fifty first exit dang already we home)
say lend me a coat
(you looking good in those jeans)
you've really been grand
(She only loves me for my pimp juice)
but don't you see?
(I love you like a fat kid love cake)

there's bound to be talk tomorrow
(is your momma half reindeer?)
at least there will be plenty implied
(I got the hottest chick in the game wearing my chain)
i really can't stay
(sip Bacardi like it’s yo birthday)

baby it's cold outside

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Nose Bleeds are In No Way Classy.

The famous Smalls once stated that he has "come here every summer of his adult life, and every summer there she is lotioning, oiling, lotioning, smiling." Now in no way is that statement above related to anything I am going to write now. For me, every winter of my adult life brings about the recurrence of the mysterious random nose bleed. I guess it is the change of weather. And man I have had some good nose bleeds.

One of my first dates, I was seeing Wicker Park. It was raining and we were standing in line to get tickets. Of course I brought an umbrella and was holding it up for her, when what have you know, I get a nose bleed. Of course i was hoping it was one of the quick, two second variety, but no, this was an old faithful. Of course, I had to play it cool, I mean I'm on a date. Well long story short, that didn't work and I had to run inside early to use the bathroom (the ticket taker person almost fainted after I SHOWED her why she needed to let me in.)

Another great time I was graced with the presence of a nose bleed was during biology class. I was also trying to impress a girl then, and we were dissecting a cat, when all of a sudden..... (nose bleeds were a good way of getting out of class)

My newest new found nose bleed glory has now seem to come in the way of the shower. And nothing, and I mean NOTHING is more annoying then this! Here I am getting ready for work, enjoying a nice hot shower when bam. It is not easy to dry off when your nose is bleeding. Nothing says good morning like a good nose bleed.

At least my roommate isn't a vampire.

But of course with every good story comes a good lesson. Any girl that will love you when you have toilet paper jammed up in your nose is a worth keeping.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Empire State of Mind Lyrical Review.

Member those book reviews from high school when you had to break down the literary elements? I thought it would be fun to break "Empire State of Mind... let's see what Jay-Z has...

yeah (nice attention getter)
Yeah I'm out that Brooklyn. (yeah followed by another yeah, repetition for emphasis)
Now I'm down in Tribeca. (ok)
Right next to DeNiro (I guess this is Robert, and he must live there)
But I'll be hood forever (doubt it)
I'm the new Sinatra (he was Italian with blue eyes, and could sing)
And since I made it here (you sold drugs)
I can make it anywhere (o wow, a Sinatra reference, although not a metaphor)
Yeah they love me everywhere (that's because you wrote Big Pimpin)
I used to cop in Harlem (doubt it)
All of my Dominicanos (Your not Dominican)
Right there off of Broadway (Dominicans I know live in the bronx)
Brought me back to that McDonald's (yes, yes they do love Micky d's)
Took it to my stash spot (stash spot= alliteration)
560 State Street (I guess that is where he lives)
Catch me in the kitchen like Simmons whipping Pastry (WT???)
Cruising down 8th street (obviously you have forgotten what driving in NYC is like)
Off-white Lexus (the dirty streets are a white car nightmare)
Driving so slow (NYC duh)
(but BK, it's from Texas!!) (AWWW a reference to his girl friend, or burger king?)
Me I'm out that BedStuy (WT?)
Home of that boy Biggie (biggie smalls i assume)
now I live on Billboard (one or two bedroom?)
and I brought my boys with me (illegitimate children)
Say what up to Ta-ta (WHO?)
Still sipping Mai Tais (girl)
Sitting court side ($1000 a seat)
Knicks and Nets give me high-fives (0-18 Nets)
N**ga, I be Spiked out (baseball reference for sliding into second)
I could trip a referee (you could rhyme that with a penalty)
...tell by my attitude that I'm MOST DEFINITELY FROM...(the dmv?)

New York!!!! (holla)
Concrete jungle where dreams are made of, (the only animals are rats)
There's nothing you can’t do, (how about afford it?)
Now you're in New York!!! (holla)
These streets will make you feel brand new, (cus there 100 years old)
the lights will inspire you, (agree)
Let's hear it for New York, New York, New York (holla)

I made you hot n-gga, (who, me???)
Catch me at the X with OG at a Yankee game, (x is a bar, OG is urban for original gangsta)sh-t I made the Yankee hat more famous than a Yankee can, (that was Fred Durst)
you should know I bleed Blue, but I ain't a crip tho, (so he must be a blood)
but I got a gang of n-ggas walking with my clique though, (good for you)
welcome to the melting pot, (not the resturant)
corners where we selling rocks, (drugs, not diamonds)
Afrika bambaataa sh-t, (WTF?)
home of the hip hop, (holla)
yellow cab, gypsy cab, dollar cab, holla back, (all driven by terrorists)
for foreigners it ain't fitted act like they forgot how to act,(holla)
8 million stories out there and they're naked, (herpes is rampant)
city it's a pity half of y’all won’t make it, (rent is a chubi)
me I gotta plug a special and I got it made, (thanks daddy)
If Jeezy's payin LeBron, I’m paying Dwayne Wade, (I thought Miami was)
3 dice cee-lo (a game his Dominicans play)
3 card marley, (idk)
Labor Day parade, rest in peace Bob Marley, (don't know how these are related)
Statue of Liberty, long live the World Trade, (amen)
long live the king yo, (Lebron? Jesus? Aurthur?)
I’m from the Empire State thats…(...???)

In New York!!!! (holla)
Concrete jungle where dreams are made of, (only animal is a rat)
There's nothing you can’t do, (pay rent)
Now you're in New York!!! (holla)
These streets will make you feel brand new, (there old remember)
the lights will inspire you, (i guess)
Let's hear it for New York, New York, New York (holla)

Welcome to the bright light..(God?)

Lights is blinding, (turn off your brights)
girls need blinders (is this a horse reference?)
so they can step out of bounds quick, (yes)
the side lines is blind with casualties, (yea the Jets)
who sip the lite casually, then gradually become worse, (Blue lite I hope)
don’t bite the apple Eve, (she did already)
caught up in the in crowd, (peer pressure is a Chubi)
now you're in-style, (hopefully not wearing a sweater)
and in the winter gets cold en vogue with your skin out, (wear a coat idiot)
the city of sin is a pity on a whim. (I thought that was Vegas)
good girls gone bad, the city's filled with them, (holla)
Mommy took a bus trip and now she got her bust out, (MOM!)
everybody ride her, just like a bus route, (ew)
Hail Mary to the city your a Virgin, (middle school reference)
and Jesus can’t save you life starts when the church ends, (huh?)
came here for school, graduated to the high life, (gross beer)
ball players, rap stars, addicted to the limelight, (Arod, Tiger,)
MDMA got you feeling like a champion, (also known as X)
the city never sleeps better slip you a Ambien (not as many as Heath please)

One hand in the air for the big city, (right or left?)
Street lights, big dreams all looking pretty, (holla)
no place in the World that can compare, (Toronto?)
Put your lighters in the air, everybody say yeaaahh (How bout cell phones?)

Let's hear it for New York, New York, New York (HOLLA!)

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Is Chivalry on Life Support?

Ok, in our modern world of hustle and bustle, email, cell phones, text messaging (see below something has been lost and is the purpose of today's blog. What happened to chivalry? I have heard it said chivalry is dead and women killed it. I know in our days of Destiny's Child, women have been told to be independent, strong, and all, but what does that mean for men? Are we supposed to open doors? Are we supposed to take the check? Ugh. Let me divulge on some basic rules, some we should bring back, and other's well....

1. Stand when a girl (or elder) enters or leaves a room.
- never happens, its dead. I have only seen it once, and it was one of the Frats at Samford. I used to laugh at them and that rule can go the way of the VCR.

2. Boys should open doors for girls.

- This should still happen, and it includes cars! And when I say open a door, that does NOT mean open, run through, and have her make it before it closes. It means men, you open it, you stand to the side, if she hesitates you say "after you" and she BETTER say "thank you" or slam it in her face.

But what you make ask does one do with a REVOLVING door? This is the one case where we get to go first, because we are manly men and need to flex our muscles and push thing stupid thing!

3. Men should give up their seat.

- Whenever a girl comes onto a crowed train, bus, (not plane that is your seat), or lobby ask to assist them with their luggage or groceries, and give up your seat. If however she is one of those women who is on their cell phones (think lawyer types) don't bother, she won't say thank you, and she won't even realize your helping her, she is to fixated on patching her pathetic non exist family life. And if the sweet non lawyer girl doesn't say thank you, you have permission to verbally abuse her.

4. Boys should help women put on their coats.
- This means you stand behind her and just hold it up. You do not have to help her button it, nor assist with her scarf or gloves. I think this one is simple and we should bring it back.

5. Boys should buy drinks.
- no excuse ever. And girls, this means NEVER take a drink from another man (unless it is your birthday and he is a friend.) And friends, ask first. And if you smoke, light her cig.

6. Boys should order for girls.
- ugh this may be the worst most awkward, scary thing you could have to do. I mean what if you forget to mention that she cant have shrimp and she breaks out in hives? Therefore, it is imperative that you find out EXACTLY what she wants (this means take your eyes off her chest) and do it with confidence. The hardest part now is the waitress will probably ask her first. You would probably have to feel out the girl first though, since most women are now accustomed to ordering themselves.

7. If you ask her out, you pay!
- for no excuse should this ever NOT be the case, unless you two are in a longer relationship and switch off. NEVER have that awkward point where both reach for their wallets or purses. If you took the time to ask, you better have the funds to pay. If however she wants to see twilight, she gets the popcorn.

8. Whenever you go anywhere to sit, she goes first.
- this includes everything from the theater to church pews. If it is a chair, pull it out for her. If you are getting seated for dinner, you follow her. Hey its not that bad, by following her you not only get an excuse to check out her butt, but also the sports scores without her knowing.

9. Men walk on the curbside.
- O man I have been so wrong for years! While it is fitting in military situations for men to walk on the left, as it is considered the "unguarded side" (not sure what the means, maybe your bazooka is on your right?), it is now customary for men to walk closer to the road. This is done to protect the female from potential road hazards like splashing water and flying Frostys.

10. Holding hands.- this is done with your hand on top of hers. No excuses. Also, since you are walking on the right, it will be your left hand. In addition, if you are going to be a real good man, use this opportunity to assist help her down stairs, out of cars, or over water puddles.

Alright boys, maybe if we follow these 10 simple steps we will once again be able to feel like the Knights of old, saving our damsel in distress and whacking that dragons head off. Funny thing is, in none of those situations did the knight ever mention "baby let's get out of here and go to my place." Nor were massive amounts of alch involved for Rapunzel to let down her hair. Regardless I think its time to step our game back up, and tell those Beyonnce types "you must not know bout me."

Wednesday, December 2, 2009


Ok, I have heard it said that one cannot know for sure where there going, until they know where they have been. For me it all started in London, yes, London, but not that London. I was born in London, Ontario, a half way point between Toronto, and Detroit. It has a population just under 500,000 and is known for education, health care, tourism and manufacturing. The cities number one export is hockey players. It was founded in the 18th century by some European guy. The coolest thing they have going for them is the London International Hot Air Ba loon festival (those crazy Canadians know how to party).

Ok here is what you really wanted to know, the who's who of London. Besides me, these famous people can all trace their roots back to London! Fredrick Banting (discovered insulin, kinda big deal), Jeff Carter (Flyers hockey star), Victor Garber(actor), Ryan Gosling (my homeboy), John Labbat (founded the beer!!!), Eric Lindross (the hockey star), Rachel McAdams (the hottie), Craig MacTavish (hockey player, the last guy to not wear a helmet), Paul Peel (painter (see above) and mom's fav), David Shore (writer for House), Adam Stern (Baltimore Oriole), David Suzuki (crazy science guy), Joe Thornton (Hockey star duh), Mike Van Ryn (Leaf baby!), Jack Warner (founded Warner Brothers),

Textin Etiquette for Guys

Ok so it came across my attention today that the male species needs a lesson on text messaging. Because, please guys, this is NOT the grown up version of AIM. While we all know it is WAAAY easier to communicate via text messaging, that does not mean one can make these common mistakes!

1. NEVVVVER ask a girl out via text message. It is way lame, way wimpy, way to easy for her to forward your pathetic attempt to all her friends, and most importantly, WAAAY to annoying of a wait for her to respond.

2. NEVVVVER fight via text message. While this does have the added advantage of being able to go over what your about to say (so you can avoid putting your foot in your mouth) no one likes fighting, and please just talk it out.

3. NEVVVVER have a conversation via text message with your goofy sounds on. NOTHING is more annoying then sitting in public and hearing your bling zing sound going off a million times. It has the vibrate mode for a reason (two if your creative).

4. NEVVVVER do this...:), :o), ;), ;o), :o/, or hehe or any variation of heheheh. That is in no way manly. Try this instead, lol, ahah, hahah, and if your really classy ha-ha.

5. NEVVVVER respond to fast, it will make you look like a creepo.

6. NEVVVER text while in line at publix, it is really rude.

7. NEEVVVER send those mass holiday text messages, there impersonal, overdone, and flat out asinine.

8. NEEEVVVER send out a "hey" message

9. NEEEVVVER drunk text your love interest, it just is not smart.

10. NEEEEVVER pour out your heart in a text message, for all reasons stated above.

11. NEEEVEER turn a text message into an essay.

12. NEEEEVVVER tell the creepo, stage 5 physcho what you are doing in a text message, and never answer the first message she sends (you may miss a good laugh at the next 10.)

13. NEEEEVER leave a signature like "Notorious.D.A.N", or "six-two, two-sexy", please men, act your age (I am not Tim Teabow, I am not perfect).

14. NEEEEVER use proper punctuation unless your British.

15. NEEEEVER call a girl a Chubi, it is not Quicktext's fault they don't recognize the word you meant to write.

16. NEEEEVER say omg, that is a code for high school girls.

17. NEEEEVER texts while driving, in class, at dinner, in the movie theater, or making love. Textin at work is fine.

18. NEEEEVEER have a text conversation with a girl, and then stop texting. IT is just rude, at least say bye, or ttyl if your hip.

19. NEEEVER send scandalous text messages, and if you must, please delete never know when your guy friends will get a hold of your phone, or your mother.

20. NEEEEVER allow your girlfriend to call you benny boo or timmy wimmy, for the reasons stated above (well minus your mother)

21. NEEEEVVVER say one thing, and then say your kidding. You weren't, your not, and it makes you look like an idiot.

That pretty much does it. And feel free to send hilarious text messages, nothing is better than a pick me up in the middle of the day!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Christmas Gifts for Dummies

O man, 24 days till Christmas, and I know every good guy out there is sweating. WHAT does one get for his girlfriend, the girl he wants to be his girlfriend, the girl he just started dating, or his mother. Relax boys, I'm about to enlighten you.

See it really is that hard, and that is the problem, most of you don't think that hard. You figure, a an Gucci sunglasses, Jessica Simpson pumps, or a that goofy Coach purse she showed you is what she really wants. Well you can go down that road, and every year you will be following that same path (although it will magically get more expensive). It is a trap. Either she will step all over you because you always give her what she wants, or she will flip that on you that you NEVER do anything special for her. (Both situations are bad dummy)

So what do you get?

Well FIRST, you NEED to LISTEN to her. Whether its your wife of 50 years, the woman that gave birth to you, or your latest make out buddy, she WILL drop a HINT at something. Maybe it is a pea coat she sees in the mall, or tickets to a Taylor swift concert. (they do not want a video game system, unless they are Mrs. Right)

But, if you want to be a REALLY good man, you need to do better than that, because following her lead ruins Christmas, precisely because it is NOT a surprise.

It all depends on what stage you are in. Trust me. And while they love jewellery, don't do it, its old, and overdone. If you have been just chilling and hanging out, and you want to date this one, THIS may be the single most important Holiday you have (should have started getting serious after Christmas dummy). What you get for her for the first Christmas is going to set the bar, so it is important to 1, not set it too high, and 2, not make it so perfect, or romantic you scare her. So get something funny, or something chill that is a joke between the two of you. Whether it is something as simple as a dvd that the two of you have in common, to a cool tea set, make it something meaningful to whatever the two of you do together. (sex toys do not count.)

If however she is your girlfriend, then this gets a little trickier. I am going to separate this between first 6 official months to one year, and then every year after. For the girl you have been dating now steadily for 6 months, this is also very important. That simple fun gift is out. Now you need to REALLY step up your game. At this point, jewellery may be an option, because now you are her man, and now she can flaunt the bling and ice you give her. But get it yourself, and not the simple Tiffany ones that EVERYONE has. Know her tastes, if shes a sweet southern belle, go pearls or diamonds, if shes a classy northern girl, go Sapphire. Duh. Or just ask the ladies there.

Ok now you say your past all that. What do you get the girl you are serious about. Here is where it can get really fun. You can be awesome, and do a theme. I used to center it around a movie or something. So you get the small little gift, in this case, start with Serendipity (watch it first idiot). Then maybe a scarf, and matching gloves, followed by some nice white figure skates (check her shoe for her size) and tickets to NY to go skating in central park. There you go. For about the same price of a stupid watch, or spa, or gift card to itunes, you have now blown her mind. Or do something cool for her, like check out, and have a picture drawn up in black and white for her of the two of you. Frame it too. Or, if this is a long distance relationship, make her an in-case-you-miss-me-care package. Decorate a shoe box, and fill it with sappy love story chick flicks, tissues, self addresses letters to your addresses, a book, pictures, and your sweatshirt (spray it with your Cologne too for added affect).

What to get your wife? I have no clue. Maybe some pots and pans or a nice vacuum.

And your mother? That is Dad's job, you just give her a nice big hug, tell her you love her, tell her your so blessed to have her, and help her do the dishes (that is what she really wants anyways, but the sound of music limited edition blue ray does the trick too)